I’ve been waiting for you. Patiently waiting among the sepia pages and crisp black and white edges. I don’t mind when you leave, not really. I needed a break and have enjoyed the naps, solitude and quiet and falling asleep at 8:30 and waking up at 7:30 and the ice cream and rum and cokes—but not the weight. I’ve packed on 10 pounds and quit yoga. I damned near caved in during your last visit. When the valerian root tea stopped working and I couldn’t sleep—at all. I went to see a doctor and told him. Yes I did! I told him all about you and how much I loved you and how you were there when I needed the extra energy or the words. Yes –the words. I cried a little when I told him how you helped with my poetry—our poetry. He smiled and I saw how handsome he was. He was impressed that I’d never been fired from a job because of you. I didn’t tell him that although I’ve never been fired—I have had nine different jobs at the same company in the past 15 years and it was you that gave me the confidence to make a move when I needed to. You taught me how to shine and charm my way through interviews.
When you left I spent long hours alone. I read six books and became invisible at work, grinding through each day and checking the clock every ten minutes or so. Like I said, I needed a break and I’m not sad when you leave, not really.
But a few days ago I began to sense you. I knew you were nearby! I got all riled up about some small injustice done to one of my coworkers and then last night I laughed with my husband—really laughed –hard and loud, and it felt so good. And this morning I wake up at 2. Bam! You’re back and I’m so excited. Fuck the long dark days of November.
I cut my own hair a few days ago. I did! I just couldn’t spend the money and it needed to be done. I bent over and brushed all my hair down, gathered it and cut off two inches with a pair of pinking shears. I read somewhere a long time ago that Jennifer Aniston used to cut her own hair that way. Well I’m sure it was before she was very famous and it was my idea to use pinking shears. It’s not bad but shorter in the front than I intended and the look is feathered. Oh God—circa 1975. Whatever—hair grows—end of story, no big deal.
You and I are going to have a blast this winter. I’ve missed my creative cohort and I need you to stay with me at least until the first of the year. There’s some shit going on at work and it hit the fan last week. I know, I know—your timing couldn’t be better! I need you to help guide me through the river of corporate bullshit. Without you it just rises, and rises, pulsing warm and smelly against my throat so that I can hardly breathe. It’ll be ok. I always think to myself….they’ll either fire me or promote me—ha!
I have a good analogy for how different I am with you. It came to me a few days ago just after Halloween. You see we had these glow sticks hanging on our front door and I brought them in the next day and laid them on the kitchen table. A few were still glowing very brightly and I thought—that’s me. I’m a fucking glow stick. When you’re not here I’m still me. I look the same and have all the same physical and emotional components. But something wonderfully amazing happens when you are near and something inside breaks and floods my brain with an amazing light. Neurotransmitters go wild and I’m super charged. My intellectual capacity expands, my wit and charm emanate and attract. I am a powerhouse! Even my heart grows bigger—just like the Grinch’s heart in Dr. Seuss’s story—I can actually feel it enlarging. Pounding harder and growing bigger. A cardiac erection! And when this happens I think I have it all figured out—the solution to homelessness and unemployment and the answer to why some mothers don’t love their children. I want to open a shelter that provides food and warmth and art therapy! I wan to teach the illiterate how to read! I want to help the broken souls love again.
It’s so quiet now. The clock reads 2:45 but it’s actually 1:45 AM because of Daylights Saving and I am up and alone by the fireplace just writing away and drinking a cup of tea. I put away the coffee just like I always do when you show up. I don’t mind really. The last couple times I drank it I felt sick to my stomach and I think my blood pressure rose a little too high. This’ll be a good break from all that caffeine that usually course through my veins. Don’t need it now anyway! Did I ever tell you I actually drink a full pot of coffee every morning when you leave? I know, I know but caffeine is a drug and I guess I’ve built up a bit of a —tolerance.
I wish I understood you better. I’ve read everything you asked me to read but it all still seems so magical and mysterious. The upside to you is you—I mean me. We are here for each other and always will be.