End of Year Exhale…

Yesterday I saw a clip of an old Johnny Mathis special.  He was being interviewed and was talking about a person who was very important to him; “she’s always thinking positive thoughts you know…”  I walked by the television and wondered who he was referring to and  thought how nice to be a person who is always thinking positive thoughts.  I try but fail most days to stay positive.  I shift from gratitude and joy to anger and regret easily and frequently.  I guess it’s good that I realize this and perhaps knowing my mind’s vulnerabilities-I can counter and overcome these tendencies.  As the New Year approaches and people make their plans to lose weight or drink less booze or pay off debt or any one of the many typical New Years resolutions–I’ll do something different. I’ll be kinder to myself.  I’ll be more understanding of my flawed humanness and try –really try–to accept all that each moment brings and respond to each day’s challenges with a commitment to react and respond thoughtfully.  This will create positive energy and goodwill. Loving ones self is the first step to greater compassion for others.  I’m not talking about feeding ones ego or indulgences.  When we see our own bruises, wounds and weaknesses–and know that we are still worthy of love and respect–only then can we offer the same to others. As the New Year approaches I’ll prepare to move in tiny baby steps. The Buddhist say that life is pain. I say life is change. Life is change and pain and when we can accept pain and learn change –we grow.  Wonderful right?  Terrific. I can hardly wait…

Two days later…

I think maybe having a venue to remind oneself to be a better person is a bit lame and I’m certainly not in a position to remind anyone else but I do have a penchant for communication.  I love to share and hear ideas.  It’s a blessing and a curse and if you are an unloved, unknown and unpublished writer, then you know what I mean. But we need more content than just my opinions.  Do we?  Can’t I just wake up every morning and spew my latest revelation …my newest theory on why or how…yea uh NO.  So let me say here what I’d like to cover and we’ll see where it takes us.  I’m in healthcare.  I’ve worked in the healthcare industry for nearly 30 years and that means I speak another language.  I am privy to a whole world many just don’t understand.  I’m also married to someone who is a different shade than myself and that fact in and of itself has given my life and my family more complexity and richness than I would have ever thought possible.  I’m a poet.  I’ve had a few poems published but that was three years ago and to date I’ve not been paid for a single word.  For some stupid reason I still feel that when I finally get paid to write I’ll then be a real writer.  I grew up very poor and in two different housing projects–one primarily black and one primarily hispanic.  I live in a state that is currently facing gentrification in many neighborhoods and of course some of the highest housing costs in the country.  I’m a survivor of foreclosure. Yea…let’s talk about that mess.  I say I’m a survivor because after an exile of four years we have recently purchased a home. I’ve learned more about the banking and loan industry than I ever wanted to and not because I found it interesting but because I was so angry and frustrated that this horrible thing happened to me.  I wanted to look back and understand it all–from start to finish.  I had to know where I went wrong and how much was really my fault and how much the industry helped me along.  Yea…we can talk about that bullshit.  Also…I had a beautiful dog named Cleo, a Tibetan Terrier found at the pound.  She died a year before we lost our house.  She had spirit and heart and was adored by anyone blessed enough to cross her path.  For Cleo I name this website and for Cleo I try to be a kinder more compassionate human.

 

 

Copyright 2017 caceresbg

 

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